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While You Were Out03:39

While You Were Out

Transcript:

Mallory: Hey Whitney, how's it going?
Whitney: Oh hi, Mallory! Hey! Thanks so much for picking me up from the airport.
Mallory: Oh, you're welcome, anytime. Oh, also I brought your phone.
Whitney: Oh, thank you! You know, leaving this at home was the best mistake I ever made.
Mallory: Yeah.
Whitney: Uh… anyway, is it okay if I check my messages right now?
Mallory: Oh, yeah, of course. I'm just gonna pull the car around.
Whitney: Okay. Thanks.

You have 95 new messages.

Whitney: Wow.

First message.

Matt: Hey Whitney, it's Matt. Hope you're having fun. Listen, I was just calling about your dog. I know you gave me very specific instructions on what to feed him, but I have a hypothetical question for you: What if maybe he got confused and ate all of your laundry detergent? And then vomited all over your bed? Hypothetically. Okay thanks, bye.
Whitney: Ugh, Matt!

Next message.

Mallory: Carlos, my love, it's Veronica. Let's run away together, mi amor. You are beautiful, beautiful Nicaraguan man and I love you.

Next message.

Natalie: Whitney, this is your grandmother. I haven't seen you in a while and…

Message deleted. Next message.

Mallory: Carlos, I do not understand why you did not call me back. And who is that woman on your answering machine?! Call me back, you filthy traitor!

Next message.

Mallory: Carlos! What are you doing?! You are giving up the best chiquita you will ever…

Message skipped.

Mallory: Carlos? I am so sad with this sadness for you.

Message skipped.

Jason: Hi Whitney, this is doctor Alder. We just got the results of your biopsy back, and well, I don't want to be a negative Nancy, but things aren't (unintelligible).
Whitney: What? No, no! Why?!

Message deleted.

Matt: Hey Whitney, it's Matt again. Remember how I left you a message yesterday saying that your dog hypothetically ate your laundry detergent? It wasn't hypothetical, and he's been foaming at the mouth and vomiting everywhere and I think that now he craves human blood. He's been hunting me all day. I barricaded myself in your closet, but I might not make it. I'm afraid, Whitney!

Next message.

James: Carlos, carlos.
Whitney: Who the heck is Carlos?!
James: I wanted you to know that we have reached phase 3. I repeat, we have reached phase 3. And by that I mean I put the bomb where you wanted me to. Bye.

Next message.

Jason: Well, hello beautiful. You must be Carlos's little squeeze. You look nervous. You wanna know how I got this number?

Next message.

Jason: The game is up, Carlos! I finally found you! I tracked this numero down and to repay you for what you did to me and my familia, I burned your house to the ground. Now your home and your weirdly feminine throw pillows and your Justin Bieber posters are nothing but the ashes.

Next message.

Matt: He ate my hand! Your rabid beast of a dog ate my hand! Also, your house is on fire, what's up with that?

Mallory: Ready to go? I'm so excited to introduce you to my new boyfriend. His name's Carlos. I don't know what he does, but he makes a lot of money.

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