Matt: All right everyone, thank you. We are very happy to be here tonight! And uh...we want to thank Mr. Ryan Thompson out in the audience, get him up on stage, let's give him a big hand. Our patron. We want to thank you, sir, for answering our advertisement on the telephone pole across the street. You will not regret this. All right, let's get this birthday party started!
Matt: We're gonna do a special set for the birthday man Toby, this is for you. This first song is called The Deteriorating Situation in the Middle East And My Dog Died When I Hit It With My Car.
Matt: Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You don't… you don't think that song is appropriate? Right, well, honestly I think it makes you think and possibly appreciate your dog more, but… if you want to shelter your children… Right, no, I know he's seven, but… Okay fine, different parenting techniques, that's fine.
Jason: I didn't have parents. And I turned out just fine!
Matt: Right? Sure, that's fine, we'll just go to the next song, we'll go to the next song, which is called My Girlfriend Left Me For My Backstabbing Best Friend, And I Swear That He Will Die At My Hands And…
Matt: Okay, fair point, but I don't think you can judge a song by its title. No, it is about how my girlfriend left me, yes. But… and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next. No, okay, alright, fine. You know what, I think I'm getting the vibe of the room, what you're looking for, how about we go on to this next song, which is called Butterfly And Unicorns. All right, very good, it's a song I wrote from my hospital room, after I mistook a can of nitrous oxide for oxygen, and I started hallucinating crazy things: this giant rabbit came out of the ground and grabbed me by…
Matt: Really?! Okay, you know what?! I feel like my hands are being creatively tied here, is that just me?
Whitney: Creatively tied!
Matt: Please, sir, can we just be artists? Okay, well hold on, hold on, mister Thompson, please, I'm sorry. Listen, it has been a long time since anyone paid us to do anything, and I don't just mean playing music, I mean literally anything at all. So, if you could just give us one more chance? Please? Bless you. Blessings on you and your family, sir. Thank you.
Matt: All right, okay, we were gonna save this song for the end, but in light of the circumstances, we're just gonna do it now. It's a song we wrote, especially for your little boy, little Toby. It's called Toby's Having A Birthday, And We're Really Happy About It.
Matt: Wait, woah, woah, woah, hold on, hold on, uh… mister Thompson, real quick, just full disclosure, all my cards on the table here. This song uses a few swears, but, but, but, but it's only like… thirty times. Alright, fine, you know what, this isn't worth the fifty dollars, I'm sorry children, let this be a lesson to you, this is what happens when you let the man put you under his thumb.
Whitney: Under his thumb!
Matt: Stay in school. Stay in school. Tell your... tell your dogs that you love them. Because you never know when you're gonna see them again.
Jason: You happy, Toby? Look what you've done! You think "Hey, it's my birthday". Well, get off your ivory tower and take a walk in my crocodile boots and lipstick!
Mallory: Good cake though, this is good!
Matt: Hold on, hold on, hold on. He said we can do one song. One song. Okay, pull it together, everyone.
Jason: Sorry, Toby. You're cool, I love you.
Matt: We're cool, we're cool, Toby. All right, okay, uh… this song… this song is called Civic Duty. It's a step-by-step list of how each one of you can participate in tax evasion.
The IRS is coming
So bury your money in your backyard
Operate your business on a boat in international waters
Because the taxes are different that way
|Season 1 Episode 5|
| ~ The Entertainment (transcript) ~|
~ Chatterbox (transcript) ~
~ New Year's Resolution (transcript) ~
~ Everything Sounds Nicer (lyrics) ~
~ Google Translate (transcript) ~
~ Mafia (transcript) ~