Okay, okay, it’s the end of the date and here comes the doorstep. Don’t panic, you’ve practiced this a hundred times with your roommates. Aw man, it looks like she’s heading straight for the door without even saying good night, don’t let her go inside. Quick, throw something at her face. Oh, she’s turning around, you’re good, you’re good.
Ah, the doorstep. This part of the night always makes me so nervous and sweaty. What that?! Oh my gosh, I have something in my teeth. Holy nasty, what is that?! Just stay calm, put it in your pocket where it will probably grow babies.
Mallory: Well, this is me.
Okay, now puff out your chest ever so slightly. You’re strong. Remember, you cranked out fourteen pushups before this date, and you only blacked out for a second.
Uhm, what is he doing with his chest?
Yeah, you did.
Mallory: We should definitely do this again sometime.
Yeah, daddy’s got game.
Matt: Yeah, that would be cool.
Mallory: Yeah, maybe next time we could double with one of your roommates or something.
I knew you were eyeing my roommates, you frothy tart.
Specifically the hot one.
Matt: Aw, that would be awesome, although one of them is really busy and the other one is… dying.
Mallory: Oh wow, that’s awful.
Why are you lying? Quick, change the subject!
Especially if it’s the hot one, he’s too hot to die! Unless he dies from heat stroke. Ba dum tss!
Matt: So, that darn economy, huh?
Aww, look at him grasping at straws. So cute. Let’s kiss. Come here boy. (starts whistling like with a dog. In her head.)
Oh my goodness, she’s playing with her keys, just like in the movie Hitch. Will Smith said that means she wants to kiss you. Wait, is that different for white people?
Okay, he’s obviously still confused, do something flirtatious. Coyly put your hair in front of your face, so he can brush it away.
Oh what luck, her hair is blocking her face, gently brush it out of the way. You’re as smooth as silk, Maverick. Man, I wish people would call me Maverick.
Okay, now lean in slowly. Oh no, I didn’t check my breath! Back away slowly. She didn’t even notice. Way to go, Mav.
Okay he’s coming in now. Remember, he goes 90, you go 10, just like in the movie Hitch. Wait, is that different for white people? Oh, he’s backing off, uh, just turn this into a body roll. Yeah, fifth grade hip-hop lessons are really paying off now.
Oh woah woah, why are people coming up to the door, this is so awkward. I don’t know what to do with my hands. I… Uh… I… Yes, this feels natural.
Mallory: ...and this is…
Oh, I am not moving, if this guy thinks he’s edging me out of my good night, he is wrong. Look him in the eyes. Yeah, he knows, he knows.
Eugh, this is so awkward. I was more comfortable that time I tripped on a homeless man and fell into his pile of dirty blankets. What was on those?
Natalie: Yeah, sure.
Natalie: Nice to meet you too.
Now get out, Natalie. Smile, but wish her harm with your eyes.
Natalie: Ooh, I think I feel a chill, I’ll head inside.
Mallory: So sorry about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we’re back!
Hold the eye contact, now give her a sincere compliment. Tell her you like her...
Matt: I like your...
Say something, oh please, say something! Compliment her shoes! Oh never mind. Just say something!
Oh my gosh, he can’t think of anything to like about me. I’m a hideous monster! I have a snaggletooth, and I have female pattern baldness! I can usually cover it with little hats and bonnets, but I forgot them!
Matt: Ope. I like Europe. In the spring.
You are an idiot.
Mallory: Oh, you’re kidding. I do too. I lived there for a year actually, and the spring is breathtaking.
Never mind! (Making strange guitar noises with his mouth. In his head.) Wait, is she still talking?
Mallory: ...Have you?
Interesting good or interesting like a mental illness? Oh man, everything’s falling apart, just kiss her! Now! Force the eye contact!
Interesting like a mental illness!
Okay, now move in slowly, like you’re creeping up on a gazelle. No, a sleeping baby. No, don’t picture her as a sleeping baby right now, that is every kind of wrong! Ow, what is happening? I can’t feel my legs, uh… ah.. yeah, I’m blacking out again.
What?! He wants to kiss me right after he admits to being a murderer? Natalie! Come back! I’m sorry about the dirty looks, I was just a kid then! Now I’m all grown up, and I’m about to kiss a serial killer! Who knows where those lips have been? I can’t stop it, it’s just happening! Someone save me, please!