James: Good morrow, brothers and sisters. Before we get to our daily barn raising and our quality quilt-making, Brother Jebediah has something he would like to discuss.
Matt: Thank you, Brother Hezekiah. Brothers and sisters, the earth is changing and we must alter our habits before it is too late. We need to go green.
James: Uh.. I'm afraid we don't understand.
Matt: Climate change! It's happening all around us. We have to reduce our carbon footprint, or our children will never see polar bears. Because they'll all be dead.
Stacey: The children, or the polar bears?
Matt: Both. Children and polar bears are particularly susceptible to climate change.
Mallory: But Brother Jebediah, what do you propose we do? We don't even use electricity.
Matt: There's always something you can do, Sister Obadiah. For example, how did you all get to this meeting today?
Stacey: We walked. Because we don't drive cars. So we're already helping.
Matt: Ah, but walking produces friction, and friction creates heat. Your cavalier walking habits are raising the temperature of the entire world!
James: But how do you go more green than walking?
Matt: You can't.
James: Well, that's exactly my point.
Matt: No, I mean you can't walk. If we would stop walking, we could eliminate 0.05 percent of friction based heat. And that's a conservative estimate!
Mallory: But we need to walk.
Matt: Let me ask you something. Would you rather be able to walk, or see a polar bear?
Mallory: He makes a good point.
James: Oh, but surely you walked here today, Jebediah.
Matt: Actually, I haven't moved from this spot in three days.
Jason: Brother Jebediah is right. I know in the heat of the sun when I'm wearing my long-sleeved black clothing, plowing my fields, doing my pilates or hard yoga, well, I begin to sweat.
Matt: My word man! Don't fan yourself! Oh great. You made me walk.
Jason: But why can't I fan myself?
Matt: Climate change! We can't go fanning ourselves willy-nilly. It will alter the temperature! We have to regulate our cooling methods by reducing our fanning, and eliminating all things that flap, such as birds and butterflies.
Jason: Or a woman's mouth?... I'm going to do some pilates.
James: All this friction nonsense. It doesn't seem very practical.
Matt: What's the matter, Brother Hezekiah? Is the truth too inconvenient for you?
James: A little bit, yes. According to you, we can't even walk around without the earth melting beneath our feet.
Matt: Very well. Bring it out!
James: Jebediah. I don't understand. What…
Matt: Go ahead, Brother Hezekiah. Shoot it. Your actions have ensured that it's as good as dead.
James: But... but...I ju... I ca... I can't.
Matt: Are you sure? Brother Jeremiah used a lot of friction to get it here.
James: No. I'm not a monster.
Matt: Very good, Brother Hezekiah. Welcome to the cause. Oh, careful! The friction. Air-five.
Matt: Now then, let us talk about how we can reduce CO2-emissions by simply not breathing.
|Season 1 Episode 4|
| ~ Dana's Dead Tongue Twister (transcript) ~|
~ Man of Interest (transcript) ~
~ Bad Extra (transcript) ~
~ The Amish Go Green (transcript) ~
~ Stage Directions (transcript) ~