Matt: Hey boss, here are those files you wanted on the new guys we hired, Jason and Stephen.
Whitney: Oh, thank you.
Matt: Something wrong?
Whitney: Well, Stephen is from Texas. And you just know he’s gonna come in here with his giant Texas flag and te… tell useless state facts and talk about the food and Rudy’s steak sauce...
Matt: Okay. Well, maybe he won’t be so bad.
Whitney: If he doesn’t say “Everything is bigger in Texas” within the first ten seconds he walks in here, I will give you twenty bucks.
Whitney: Oh hey, you’re not wearing a state flag as a cape, you must be Jason.
Stephen: No, I’m Stephen.
Stephen: I just moved here from Texas. And everything is bigger…
Whitney: Here it comes.
Stephen: ...in this break room than in my last one. Wow. There’s a microwave.
Matt: Thank you.
Stephen: Oh, I left my drink in my desk. It was nice meeting y’all.
Whitney: Did you hear how he said “y’all”? How obnoxious was that?
Matt: You’re reaching.
Whitney: I know. He’s actually not that bad. And you know the other guy won’t be annoying, because he’s from…
Jason: So how many Rhode Islanders we got in the building?
Jason: What?! Are you serious?! Are you kidding me right now?! Come on!
Matt: Well, I’ve been to New York.
Jason: You’ve been to New York? And not Rhode Island? How is that even possible, man?
Whitney: Well, New York is a lot bigger and more important than Rhode Island.
Jason: Yeah well, New York may be the Big Apple, but Rhode Island is the apple seed. Because everything’s smaller in Rhode Island, baby. Hahaha.
Whitney: Those seeds are poisonous.
Jason: You’re poisonous. With that attitude. Yup. Hey dude, where are you from?
James: Uh… Alaska.
Jason: Yeah, that’s how many times my state can fit in your state. Oooh. Yeah. How does that make you feel?
James: It’s uh… it’s big.
Jason: Yeah, bet it makes you feel huge, doesn’t it?
James: Uh… yeah.
Jason: Yeah. I’m thirsty, thank you.
Jason: Is this filtered water? No, no. You see, in Rhode Island, we don’t have those fancy things like rivers or mountains or plants. We drink water the way nature intended: with motor oil and acid rain. Fortunately, I brought both. Hmm, so much better. Thank you.
Matt: Well, Rhode Island sounds like a very interesting place, you’ll have to tell us about it some time.
Jason: Sounds like what you need, is the Rhode Island State Rap. Hit it!
You ready to learn about the greatest state, of all the states, in the United States?
Well, it’s coming at you.
Listen up, all you haters don’t be dense
The world’s greatest capital is Providence
People always judge and trying to give me a label
Well, everybody knows the state tree’s the red maple
Whitney: Okay, let’s just go, come on.
Jason: Now I’m gonna sing about minerals
Whitney: Okay, no. Go off the table! Cut the music! Where is it coming from?! Okay, down! Off the table! Nobody cares where you’re from, okay! You are fired!
Jason: You know what, I don’t need you. The thirteen colonies will rise again.
Whitney: And take your stupid flag with you!
League of lefties
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