Jason: Who are you?
Matt: I am your Shoulder Devil, Jason. Here, allow me to just climb upon...your shoulder. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. I envisioned this going differently. Maybe your friend could help me? Rise above the difficulties! Lift me in a dignifying manner! Woo! I'm very slick.
Matt: Jason, thievery is fun. There are all kinds of things you can steal. Money, cars, dinner mints at fancy restaurants…
James: Are you gonna do this, or what, man? That Bit-O-Honey ain't gonna steal itself.
Matt: He's right, Jason. It's just a Bit-O-Honey. No one will even notice it's gone.
Jason: Well, I guess one time won't hurt.
Matt: It most certainly will- I mean, you're right.
Jason: Got it.
Matt: Well done.
James: Nice man. Okay, next time, we should do something bigger, like a bike! Or a turkey!
Matt: Yes. Your friend has the spirit of the- Did he say "a turkey"?
Jason: Guys, I'm not stealing anymore, this was a one-time thing.
James: Oh no, Jason, come on. It's easy- Oh hey, hey, that old lady just dropped a five dollar bill. Go pick it up before she notices.
Jason: Well, I don't- No, I'm not gonna steal from an old lady, that's messed up!
Matt: Oh come on, those are the easiest people to steal from! I'll help you, Jason, just move towards the lucre.
Matt: It's almost in reach. You have to want it! What's happening?! Oh! Sweet gluttony!
Mallory: Oh here, here. Let me help you. Oh, my dear boy. Did you fall while trying to return this money to me? How refreshingly honest! Here, you keep it, but remember: "Virtue is it's own reward."
Matt: Who was that, the female Gandhi?
Jason: Wow, being honest has it's benefits.
Matt: What? No! Jason, it was a fluke! That kind of thing doesn't even happen in Canada!
Whitney: Hey! I saw what you did for that old lady. That was really sweet of you. So here's my number, so call me… perhaps.
Matt: That's just not fair. Jason, I don't want you calling her, she's far too righteous. Give me the number!
Jason: But no, you can't make me do anything.
Matt: You're right, Jason, I can't. Give it to me! Where is it?! Where is the number?! I must have! Is this Bit-O-Honey? Delicious!
James: I don't know, Jason, maybe you're right about that honesty stuff.
Matt: No! Move to James. Shimmy. You are mine, James, you are mine. Ah!
Matt: Behold the awesome power of temptation!
Jason: You know what? I'm starting to feel warm and fuzzy inside. Let's go pay for that candy.
James: Yeah, me too.
Matt: What? No! Boys, you just need to become more calloused. Quick, kill that dog!
Jason: What? No, we're not gonna kill a dog! That's messed up, man! Let's go pay for that candy, and move to Canada.
Matt: Fine, I'm sure there's someone else I can persuade… Hello, grandma.
Mallory: Get behind me, Shoulder Devil.
|Season 1 Episode 8|
| ~ Prop Switch (transcript) ~|
~ Spencer Goes to Class (transcript) ~
~ How Are You Feeling (transcript) ~
~ Third Wheel Song (lyrics) ~
~ Weighty Matters (transcript) ~
~ Shoulder Devil (transcript) ~