Whitney: Well, Juliet, House of Capulet, before we begin our session, I must exclaim that ‘twixt our conversations and thy dram of Prozac daily, methinks thine acute anxiety hath hastily declined.
Mallory: Ah, what fortune.
Whitney: Now pray child, of what nature art thou dwelling with thy parents?
Mallory: My parents?
Whitney: In faith, pray tell.
Mallory: Woe is me! My father hath betrothed me to a man whom I love not. In truth I love another, more than Cupid boasts within a thousand pointed tips. We joined in marriage secretly, but now my father thinks me fit to wed another.
Whitney: Oh, it is a pity. And when didst thou first meet this love of thine?
Mallory: Tuesday eve.
Whitney: A fortnight’s past?
Mallory: Nay, this Tuesday last.
Whitney: ‘Twas three days ago.
Whitney: And thou lovest him… a lot?
Mallory: Aye, I carest not his family is my foe…
Mallory: ...Nor that he killed my dearest kin.
Whitney: Killed what?!
Mallory: It mattereth not.
Whitney: That seemeth to me a great matter indeed, Juliet.
Mallory: But I loveth him.
Whitney: Thou art 14.
Mallory: Plenty of fish shall swim this sea before thy life is ended.
Mallory: So grant an answer to my plight!
Whitney: What did we say?
Mallory: I’ll end my life!
Whitney: Pray thee, when did thou last administer thine medication?
Mallory: I’ll end my life! I’ll end my life for just a spell, and then I wake in lover’s true delight.
Whitney: Uh… methinks this plan hath many holes.
Mallory: Then I shall stay with him in his banishment, but banished to Eden it seemeth me!
Whitney: Wait, he’s banished? Who? Juliet, this man seemeth to me a player! And not the kind on the stage!
Mallory: I must hasten to my Romeo before he weds another, such as Rosalind, for his heart is fickle, see.
Whitney: Dost thou hear thyself?
Mallory: Farewell, madam. I thank thee for all my illness cured.
Whitney: Thou are shooting thyself in thine foot!
Mallory: I’ll send word to Romeo, surely nothing bad could possibly happen.