Matt: Adam, can I borrow your phone to check my e-mail?
Adam: What’s wrong with yours? Or better yet, Jason's laptop?
Matt: Use a laptop to check my e-mail? What is this, 2011? No, I need to use yours, because mine died. Which brings me to my next question: Can I borrow your phone charger?
Adam: What happened to your phone char-?
Matt: It died.
Matt: I’d rather not get into it.
Adam: Okay, fine, but I am expecting a very, emphasis, important phone call. So if it rings, get me immediately and do not, emphasis again, answer it.
Matt: Sounds like somebody is expecting a call from someone else.
Matt: Who is female, is what I...
Adam: Just don’t answer it.
Matt: Ugh, hello, this is Argyle McCullough.
Whitney: Uh yes, I’m sorry, I think I may have dialed the wrong number. There’s not an Adam there, by any chance? I’m calling about his application.
Matt: Application to what now?
Whitney: Harvard Law School.
Matt: Oh, sweet mercy. Uh… Oh… You’re looking for Adam, are you? Well, he’s uh… predisposed helping old people.
Jason: Matt, what are you doing?
Matt: I have to make him sound good or Argyle McCullough may have put a big fat Scottish black mark on his record
Whitney: Well, I still need to contact a few of his references anyway.
Matt: Oh references you say, well uh… it just so happens that we’re having a graduation party for Adam right now.
Jason: No, we’re not.
Matt: Yes, so everyone you need to talk to is probably here.
Whitney: Well, uh…, the first one is his sister?
Matt: His sister? Oh, here she is. Here you go.
Matt: Just say something good about him. Be a sister.
Jason: Hello? This is Adam’s sister.
Matt: Why is she British?
Jason: Why do you got to talk in an accent?
Whitney: Hello. I.. I’m sorry, Adam's application mentioned he had three sisters, Ashley, Jenny, and Hannah. Which one am I speaking to?
Jason: The second one that you said?
Whitney: Well, hi Jenny. What can you tell me about your brother?
Jason: Ooh well, my brother is um… is very smart. He’s a smart man and he um… he gives to all the people that he sees, and um… he’s um… attractive.
Jason: What was this?
Jason: He’s attractive to those who are not related to him.
Whitney: Uhm… thank you, Jenny, you’ve been very uhm.. helpful.
Jason: Is there anyone else that you would like to talk to?
Whitney: Well, the next one is a Father Flaherty, but I’m sure he isn’t around.
Jason: Uh.. he is around actually, I will get him for you.
Jason: Father Flaherty.
Matt: Okay, you can stop talking like her... Wait, Father?
Matt:What religion is Adam?
Jason: Oh, I don't know.
Matt: Yes, hello. This is Father Flaherty. Adam's ecclesiastical leader.
Whitney: Oh my goodness, I’m surprised you’re there, Father. Adam's application said you live in Oklahoma.
Matt: Yes, Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains... I’m just in town on... religious business.
Whitney: Well, Adam says you've known him since he was a boy.
Matt: Yes, that is accurate. I remember even as a lad, he was a boy. Oh... A boy of strong moral fibers and virtues, he used to read often from uh… our faith’s religious texts.
Whitney: That’s very insightful, thank you Father.
Matt: Please, there’s no need to be so formal, you may call me... Actually, we’ll better stick with Father.
Whitney: Yes, thank you. And, by any chance, is there a Tristan Brown there?
Matt: Oh yes, Tristan, yes yes, here you go.
Matt: Tristan Brown.
Jason: Tristan? Is that a man or a woman?
Matt: Oh, I don’t know. I’ll check Facebook, try and sound as androgynous as possible.
Whitney: Hello? Hello? Is this Tristan?
Jason: Hmm hmm.
Whitney: Well, it says here that you were Adam's economics professor.
Jason: (wookie sound)
Whitney: How... how is he in class?
Matt: Huh bam. Tristan Brown. I still can’t tell.
Jason: I’m just gonna go for it. Yes, this is Doctor Brown. Adam was a fine student. In fact, there were ten occasions where he single-handedly saved the lives of every one of our students. I would recommend him highly.
Whitney: Thank you, Mister Brown.
Matt: In your face, you weird looking man.
Whitney: Well, please, thank everyone at the party for their time and between the two of us, I feel confident that based on all I’ve heard today, Adam will be receiving an acceptance letter very soon.
Jason: Actually, Adam just arrove in the room, why don’t you talk to him?
Matt: It’s Harvard Law.
Matt: Yes, just shush shush.
Whitney: Hi, is this Adam Jones?
Adam: No, this is Adam Berg.
Whitney: Oh my goodness, I must have the wrong number. What are the odds that you would be at Adam Jones’ party? Oh well, while I have you on the phone Adam, I may as well inform you that we literally just filled our last spot. We’ll put you on the waiting list though. Have a good day, Adam.
Jason: He’s speechless.
|Season 1 Episode 1|
| ~ TMNT Dance (transcript) ~|
~ The Doorstep Part 1 (transcript) ~
~ The Doorstep Part 2 (transcript) ~
~ Bashful E-mail (transcript) ~
~ Reference Check (transcript) ~
~ State of Mind (transcript) ~