New Year's Resolution

New Year's Resolution


Mallory: Hey Matt…
Matt: Hey.
Mallory: ...Just returning your hedge clippers.
Matt: Oh, thank you.
Mallory: What are you up to?
Matt: Ï'm just working on some of my New Year's resolutions, actually.
Mallory: Oh, I'm impressed, what kind of goals did you make?
Matt: Quite a few, but the one I'm working on right now is stealing.
Mallory: You used to steal things?
Matt: No, no, but I do now.

Mallory: Excuse me?
Matt: I've been stealing things all day. Here's some guy's wallet, a really nice looking watch, and these ones belong to some poor soul who left then unattended at McDonald's.
Mallory: Matt, those look like kids shoes.
Matt: Oh, undoubtedly, yes. They were sitting outside the ball pit, so…

Mallory: And the wheelchair? Please tell me you didn't steal...
Matt: Stolen! This was the easiest one, actually. They could hardly chase me without this baby.
Mallory: Oh my, you've got to be kidding me. It's…
Matt: Oh, careful, that's the propeller for a cecina airplane. It's important.

Mallory: You made a resolution to steal things? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Matt: Well, at least I'm making goals I can stick to. I also resolved not to eat any more fruits and vegetables. I was doing very well until I was diagnosed with scurvy. Bit into a hamburger and lost three teeth.
Mallory: Eugh. But your resolutions aren't making you a better person. You should be trying to improve yourself.
Matt: Not everything is about me, okay? Right now, I want to focus on others, and how I can use them to my advantage.

Mallory: Okay, well, it just so happens that my New Year's resolution is to do a good deed daily, so today, I'm going to start by returning all of this stuff that you've stolen, including these.
Matt: What? No, Mallory! I want to find a rabbit and make it wear these!
Mallory: What? No! What's wrong with you?!
Matt: It's for science!
Mallory: What is wrong with you?! Give it to me!

Jason: What is going on here?
Matt: I believe I'm being robbed, officer.
Mallory: Oh, no! That is a lie! He has stolen all of this stuff in here! He made a New Year's resolution to steal things, including these kids shoes!
Jason: Sure he did.
Mallory: No, I'm… You've got to believe me. He doesn't even need this wheelchair.
Matt: How dare you?!
Mallory: Oh no, you are kidding me… just show him you can… I know you can walk. Get out of here! This isn't yours!
Matt: Mallory, what are you doing? Mallory!
Mallory: You can't ride around in a wheelchair that belongs to somebody else! Show him you can walk! What is wrong with you?!
Jason: We got a situation, a hostile is playing with a man… I don't know what she's doing here exactly, but it's not… What are you doing?! Ma'am, stop that!
Mallory: Okay officer, sorry.
Jason: You will respect my authority. Cuff yourself to the Segway.
Mallory: What?
Jason: You heard me. Do it.
Mallory: Okay…
Jason: Sir.
Matt: Thank you, officer.
Jason: Keep up!
Mallory: Oh my gosh.

Matt: I should probably lay low for a while.

Season 1 Episode 5
~ The Entertainment (transcript) ~
~ Chatterbox (transcript) ~
~ New Year's Resolution (transcript) ~
~ Everything Sounds Nicer (lyrics) ~
~ Google Translate (transcript) ~
~ Mafia (transcript) ~