Whitney: I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this. I hate blind dates.
Natalie: Relax, Whit. Besides, what did you do last Friday night? Stayed home and watched Full House?
Whitney: Hey, cut it out!
James: Yeah, when was the last time you went out with a guy?
James: Who wasn't your cousin?
Whitney: It's been a while.
James: Trust me, Whitney, Tom and I go way back. He's great.
James: I haven't seen him since his parents died…
Natalie: Oh, yeah.
James: ...but I really think you're gonna like him.
Whitney: His parents died?
Natalie: They were murdered.
Matt: Whitney Call, come to dine. It's nice to… to meet you. I uh… I will have her home by nine.
Whitney: So Nellie's, huh?
Matt: It's an old favorite.
Whitney: I'm glad I dressed up.
Jeremy: Welcome to Nellie's Diner, my name is Jeremy, I'm gonna be taking care of you this evening. I love your haircut, sir. Alright, can I get you started with anything to drink?
Whitney: Just water for me, thank you.
Matt: And I will have a glass of snake milk.
Jeremy: We only have Pepsi products.
Matt: Root beer is fine.
Jeremy: I'll be right back with those.
Whitney: So uhm.., where are you from, Tom?
Matt: Well, it really depends. I've moved around a lot actually. I once lived on the back of a man's head.
Whitney: Yeah, that uh… that housing market is pretty brutal, huh?
Whitney: James tells me you're a democrat?
Matt: I've formed my own little club, actually. Would you like to meet some of the members? I can send for them.
Matt: Oh, it's the wrong arm.
Whitney: No, no, no, that's really okay. Don't… don't lick your arm.
Matt: Very well.
Whitney: Are you carrying a stick, Tom?
Matt: Ah yes, I… I call it my lucky stick. I also carry a wand.
Whitney: Are you a magician? I love magic tricks. Show me a magic trick!
Jeremy: Alright, root beer for you, sir, and water...
Matt: Avada kedavra! Sorry, that's the only one I really know.
Whitney: That was awesome! Do it again!
Matt: Actually, I think we better get going. I already have two strikes against me for trying to kill a little boy.
Whitney: Oh Tom, you're so bad.
Matt: You don't know the half of it.
Matt: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring him with.
Whitney: Well Tom, I had a really nice time tonight.
Matt: You know, I did too. I really feel like I can be myself around you, which is saying a lot. I feel like I have this reputation I have to keep up, and it's really a lot of pressure. Sometimes I think "This isn't me".
Whitney: Just let it out, Tom.
Matt: It's just, one day I'm in law school, and the next I'm out cursing babies and eating unicorns and…
Whitney: Shush. Let's finish this the way we started, Tom. Together.
Matt: Oh, oh, Whitney, I uh… it's a little ready for…
Whitney: Oh, so sorry, I was just really caught up in the moment.
Matt: Well, it's a little bombarding.
Whitney: I just really see this going somewhere.
Matt: Okay, that's a little too eager for the Dark Lord.
Whitney: Come on!
Matt: I'm sorry, Whitney, I just… I can't.
Whitney: But, but Tom?
Matt: Good night.
|Season 1 Episode 3|
| ~ Two Truths and a Lie (transcript) ~|
~ ECON 101 (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Eulogy (transcript) ~
~ Lord Voldemort Goes On Blind Date (transcript) ~
~ Zombie BBQ (transcript) ~
~ Evil Memory Lapse (transcript) ~