Emergency Pitch Meeting

Emergency Pitch Meeting


Matt: Okay, guys, we need one more sketch, and we literally have twenty-five minutes before we go on. Any funny ideas? Anything?
Jason: I keep wanting to write a sketch about birds. I don't have any ideas, but I think the idea is golden.
Whitney: Okay, wait, what if we had a live birth in a sketch?
Matt: Goo, what?
Jason: Yes!
Matt: What... what on earth would be funny about that at all?
Whitney: Well, you know, the miracle of life! Life is funny! It'd be ironic or something! You know, the hipsters would really love it.
Jason: Totally. Yeah.

Mallory: Oh, I have an idea. Okay, so an old guy and a pig, they walk into a doctor's office, because twist, the guy has polio and he needs an amputation.
Matt: No! Let me stop you right there! Mallory, we have talked about this! We can't make jokes about diseases! Let's go over the list one more time.
Mallory: Okay.
Whitney: List.
Matt: Actually, Michael Jackson is okay.
Mallory: Yeah.
Whitney: Finally!

Jason: I really want to write a sketch that's progressive and different…
Matt: Yes!
Jason: ...about birds.
Matt: Oh.
Jason: Okay, so what if we have ghost sheets on, except for we're not ghosts, we're owls, and we start hooting and hooting: "Hoot! Hoot!", and then one of us starts to waddle like a penguin. We're like: "What's going on?" "I don't know", and then finally, the last person takes out a feather, and places it, like so on the ground.
Whitney: Wow. That was really beautiful, Jason.
Jason: Yes.
Whitney: Did you just come up with that?
Jason: It literally flew into my head…
Whitney: Flew in.
Jason: ...and flew out.
Whitney: Flew out.
Mallory: Like a bird!
Jason: Yes.
Whitney: Yeah. Yeah, this one, I like it.

Matt: No, I'm sorry, that wasn't a joke, that wasn't a sketch, that's nothing… there's nothing funny about that! And where did you get that feather?
Mallory: Oh, I have a joke! I have a joke we can use! Knock, knock.
Whitney: Who's there?
Mallory: Your father.
Whitney: Your father who?
Mallory: What do you mean? It's your father, let me inside.
Whitney: Wait, what?
Mallory: Can't you recognize your own father's voice? Have some respect for your elders, your mother just died of polio, for crying out…
Whitney: I do like that polio.
Mallory: I forgot to not joke about polio. It's too bad because the rest of it was really working.
Whitney: I was kind of confused.

Whitney: Okay wait, what if… what if we had a sketch in the trenches of World War I, and there's blood and gangrene everywhere, and I'm missing a finger…
Matt: No! Guys! Can you not have an idea that isn't so bleak? Come on, missing fingers! Let's consult the idea jar. "Fat". Okay, see, we're already off to a great start. Fatness is funny, let's write a sketch about a "Fat" "Burn victim". Okay. Seriously? We can't make jokes about that! We'll just depress people!

Jason: Wow wait, I got it! What if this is the opening sketch?
Matt: That sounds like a terrible idea.
Jason: No! And we're in that sketch right now.
Mallory: And I have polio!
Jason: Yes!
Whitney: Yeah!

Season 1 Episode 9
~ Emergency Pitch Meeting (transcript) ~
~ Ditching Dobby (transcript) ~
~ 18th Century Man's Man (transcript) ~
~ Bane's Birthday Party (transcript) ~
~ Evil Asides (transcript) ~
~ Bad Timing: The Musical (transcript) ~