Ditching Dobby

Ditching Dobby


Stephen: Matthew, I needed to talk to you for a moment.
Matt: Sure boss, what is it?
Stephen: You've been a great store supervisor, but it's time to trim the fat. I need you to fire our door greeter.
Matt: Really? But he's the nicest employee we have. I mean, hence the greeting.
Stephen: The man wears a pillowcase to work. I mean, we have standards here at Walmart. Seriously though, fire him. Otherwise, you're back to butchering meat with Lamilda.
Mallory: (speaks Russian). Just you, me and dead cows.

Matt: But how can I fire someone so innocent?
Stephen: It's easy, I do it all the time. Just give him this two weeks notice and avoid eye contact. Otherwise, it will be like trying to kill a freakishly cute kitten with adorably huge eyes. I'm keeping this.
Matt: Oh, my daughter gave…
Stephen: I know.
Matt: Okay.

Matt: Gloria, could you please send in the door greeter to see me? Oh, never mind.
Jason: Dobby's only desire is to make his supervisor happy.
Matt: Thank you Dobby, please, come in.
Jason: Hug!
Matt: Okay.
Jason: Can Dobby say something before we begin?
Matt: Sure, but make it brief.
Jason: Dobby loves you.
Matt: Please, don't make this any harder than it has to be. Just, take this.
Jason: Oh! Paper! The greatest of all gifts!
Matt: No, Dobby, it's not like that.
Jason: This is the happiest day of my life.
Matt: Dobby, please, before you say another word, just read what it says.
Jason: Oh, unfortunately, Dobby cannot read. Will you read it for him?
Matt: Oh.

Matt: "Dear Dobby,"
Jason: Be still my beating heart.
Matt: "We here at Walmart thank you for your years of faithful service…"
Jason: Oh, say it again!
Matt: "...but unfortunately, in this economic climate, we have to roll back our prices, and sometimes our employees…" That's insensitive.
Jason: Dobby does not understand your cruel euphemisms!
Matt: "You can pick up your final paycheck in two weeks after your job officially terminates."
Jason: Oh! Oh!
Matt: Oh, Dobby, Dobby, your eyes!
Jason: Dobby doesn't need his eyes anymore!
Matt: Wait, Dobby! There's more! This is so that we can promote you to chief door greeter of all Walmart!
Jason: Oh! Put my eyes back in!
Matt: Ah, yes.
Jason: Both of them!
Matt: Okay.
Jason: Ah, yes.
Matt: Oh, good.

Stephen: I warned you, Matt. You're back with Lamilda.
Jason: You shall not hurt friends of Dobby!
Matt: Oh! Dobby! Did you just kill my boss?
Jason: He had it coming. I mean, he may have survived the wound… Oh nope, he is dead.
Matt: What are we gonna do?!
Mallory: I take care of body. It's good. For Russia!

Season 1 Episode 9
~ Emergency Pitch Meeting (transcript) ~
~ Ditching Dobby (transcript) ~
~ 18th Century Man's Man (transcript) ~
~ Bane's Birthday Party (transcript) ~
~ Evil Asides (transcript) ~
~ Bad Timing: The Musical (transcript) ~