Dinner Party

Dinner Party


Jason: Now remember, guys, the key to hosting a good dinner party is not the food, it's the ambiance. So let's go over the details one more time. The doorbell rings and… Matt?
Matt: I will be standing next to the door and will wait seven seconds before opening it, so as not to appear as though I have been waiting by the door to open it.
Jason: Stephen.
Stephen: I will ask to take their coats, escort them to the living room, and turn on the mood music.
Jason: Adam.
Adam: Oh, I will be reading today's issue of the Wall Street Journal, while stroking this fake cat.
Jason: No. No fake cats!
Adam: What? No, it makes me look sophisticated. Or, if you will, sophisti-cat.
Jason: Stacey.
Stacey: Once they're seated comfortably, I will begin a light, friendly conversation, being sure to avoid such topics as politics, death and hygiene.
Jason: Nice. And I will come from the kitchen holding a tray of shrimp, I will place it like so on the gr...What is this?!
Matt: It's a scented candle I purchased for this evening. It's classy, yes? It's called Cinnamon and Dreams.
Jason: I have never been more proud of you. Well done.

Jason: Positions!
Whitney: Hi!
Natalie: Hi!
Mallory: Hi!
Stephen: Not yet!

Matt: Ladies, come in.
Stephen: May I take your coats?
Matt: They're not wearing coats!
Stephen: Living room. Sit anywhere you like.

Whitney: Just…
Mallory: Okay, let's just make this work. Okay.
Natalie: Squeeze.
Mallory: Just...
Stephen: You're supposed to start the conversation.
Stacey: I know, but I can't think of anything besides politics, death or hygiene!
Adam: You could cover all three by talking about Kim Jong-Il. Too soon?
Matt: You guys are useless. So ladies, I bathe regularly. Oh
Stacey: What?!
Stephen: That falls under hygiene.
Matt: I know, and it's not even true!
Adam: What?! How long has it been? Four days?
Matt: Yes… Days…
Stacey: Matt, you haven't bathed in four weeks?
Matt: That's why I bought the candle.

Mallory: I like your cat.
Adam: Oh yeah?
Mallory: I...I used to have one just like it.
Adam: Oh.
Stacey: Oh, you used to?
Mallory: Yeah. He died, so…
Stephen: Taboo topic, abort!
Mallory: There was a house fire, and he didn't make it out. But he saved me, he came into my room and he put his paw on my paw…  I mean hand, my hand, sorry. He woke me up, you know, I just...Your cat, it's just...that stuffed cat looks a lot like my cat, I really love cats.
Matt: What was his name?
Stephen: Matthew!
Matt: I just need to know.
Mallory: I called him Shaq-kitty O'Neal, so…

Jason: Good evening, ladies. Oh man, who died?
Natalie: I hate seafood.
Mallory: I already ate.
Whitney: If I eat shrimp, I'll die.
Jason: Awesome. Matt, what are you doing?
Matt: Wafting.
Jason: No wafting! Sophisti-cat, give me this! You guys are ruining the party!

Matt: So, who are you voting for? I am bad at this.
Jason: Ugh, what is that smell?
Matt: It must be the shrimp. It's turned.
Stacey: Wait a second, is that coming from the kitchen?
Jason: The apple strudel! No!
Matt: All I can smell is Cinnamon and Dreams, mixed with...
Adam: Sophisti-cat!
Matt: Put it out! Step on it's face! Oh.

Stacey: No, no, no, no!
Matt: Get rid of that! No! This is a mistake! It was clearl… No! Have some shrimp. No, you don't want the shrimp.
Mallory: Shaq-kitty! Shaq-kitty! Oh my gosh, you're sick! I hate you all! Shaq-kitty!
Natalie: She just finished therapy!
Matt: Please!
Jason: I saved dinner, so… Hey, where's the girls?

Matt: I'm gonna go take a shower.

Season 1 Episode 7
~ St. Crispin's Day Speech (transcript) ~
~ Substitute Breakup (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Grocery Store (transcript) ~
~ Excuse Me (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Ex-Girlfriend (transcript) ~
~ Dead Wedding (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Grandma's House (transcript) ~
~ Dinner Party (transcript) ~