Dead Wedding

Dead Wedding



James: Hey, is this Matt, the wedding planner? Yeah, listen, so uhm… my fiancée told me I was supposed to do a bunch of stuff for the wedding, and you know, I told her everything is cool, but it's not. I didn't do any of it. It's next week. Could you help me? Oh yeah, tomorrow is perfect. Three o'clock, I'll be there, in the park. Okay, thank you so much.


Matt: Fantastic Family Funerals, this is Matthew, how may I help you? Hello Jim. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's death. Yes, I'm sure your grandmother was a fantastic woman. When would you like to discuss her services? Tomorrow? My office is being painted tomorrow, could we possibly meet in the park across the street? Three o'clock is perfect. I'll see you there.


James: Hey, are you Matt?
Matt: Matthew. Jim?
James: Oh no, James. I was looking...
Matt: Oh, right.
James: Or Jim, right. Hey. Thank you so much for helping me out today.
Matt: I just want to again express my condolences.
James: Oh, you mean yesterday, I was… was kind of freaking out, but I'm good now, so…
Matt: Oh well, it's sweet of you to do this for her, but you don't need to deny feelings of mourning. Most people go through the same thing.
James: I… I guess I'm normal then. It just came by surprise, you know.
Matt: Yeah, it often does.
James: Kind of wish she wouldn't spring things on me like this.
Matt: Well, sometimes these things can be difficult to plan.
James: It is difficult to plan, I mean, I tried to make it happen on my own, and it was just…You know, I couldn't do it.
Matt: You mean you tried to make it happen before her time was up?
James: Oh yeah, you mean her deadline?
Matt: Death is a very serious thing.
James: Yeah. Should I not say deadline, is that like...
Matt: I'm sorry, I'm sure you're under a lot of stress right now, why don't we just move on to the details?

James: Okay, let's see… her first rule is "No one else wears white".
Matt: Okay, that's not a problem, our employees typically wear black.
James: Okay, and then… we need to buy that… the white cloth that uh… you know, it's a tradition… what is it?
Matt: In some buddhist funerals, the monastic leader is given a piece of white cloth to be incorporated into their ceremonial clothing.
James: What if I wanted it nothing like a buddhist funeral?

Matt: Why don't you just tell me about some of your expectations?
James: Okay, so we want it to be big.
Matt: So we need to accommodate a lot of people.
James: It's got to be the party of the century, Matt.
Matt: So you want to focus on celebrating the life she had?
James: So we'll need a really good DJ.
Matt: Okay, well, usually people just put on some light, beautiful music before the ceremony.
James: Well yes, beforehand, that's perfect. But once the priest stops talking, and I've kissed her…we want to party.
Matt: You want to kiss her? As part of the ceremony?
James: Well yeah, that's the part where I show everyone, you know, how much we mean to each other.
Matt: I'm not sure that's the best time… to let everyone know there was uh… something going on between the two of you.
James: Well, to be perfectly honest with you, man, I'm pretty sure everyone already knows.
Matt: And they support you in this?
James: Well yeah, I mean, she gets along great with my family… my grandpa practically loves her.
Matt: So how did you end up with her?
James: Well, it's kind of a funny story, actually. So, she was over at our house, and she was sitting over in the corner there with grandpa, practically flirting with him, and I was sitting there and I watched that and I just thought "I have to be with that girl". Boom. Love.
Matt: Yes. Well…
James: And besides, she's...she's got a real cute looking figure, if you know what I mean…
Matt: To each his own.
James: Okay, come on, Matt… Matthew. She's… she's really a cutie, you'll see. When you see her next week, trust me, you'll think the same thing.
Matt: Next week? James, by next week her body is going to be uh… different.
James: What are you talking about?
Matt: I'm… I'm sure you already know this, but not too long after this happens, her body will begin to… decay.
James: I was afraid of that.
Matt: Now, people cope using many different methods…
James: Well, I mean, maybe in her case it will be different, you know, because sometimes they last longer.
Matt: That's true.

Matt: I think I have enough to get started, how about I call you when I have the preliminaries anyways.
James: Oh yeah, thank you so much, I can not do this without you.
Matt: Happy to help.
James: Yeah, okay.

Matt: Oh, excuse me.
Jeremy: Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. James?
Jason: Jim.
Jeremy: Oh.
Jason: Are you Matthew?
Jeremy: Matt.

Jason: Sorry I'm late, the traffic was really bad.
Jeremy: Oh, don't even worry about it, alright? This is gonna be the happiest day of your life, okay? Are you excited? I am. Let's get started, I love this.
Jason: So I was thinking, you know, the music would start and then we'd come out carrying her in a coffin.
Jeremy: I love that idea so much!

Season 1 Episode 7
~ St. Crispin's Day Speech (transcript) ~
~ Substitute Breakup (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Grocery Store (transcript) ~
~ Excuse Me (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Ex-Girlfriend (transcript) ~
~ Dead Wedding (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Avoidance Viking: Grandma's House (transcript) ~
~ Dinner Party (transcript) ~