Matt: ...every time! And then I said-- I am a dead man.
Jason: That story took a weird turn.
Matt: No, no, no, no!
Jason: Matt, what’s wrong with you?
Matt: Decorations, Jason, my wife must have put these up!
Jason: So, what’s the problem?
Matt: I don’t know what we’re celebrating, Jason! Is it a birthday, an anniversary, a bar mitzvah, what is it? I can’t keep track of all these happy occasions.
Jason: Okay well, let’s just look at the decorations, and see if we can guess what it is.
Matt: You don’t know her, she is diabolical. She deliberately makes all the decorations ambiguous, so that I can’t use any context clues. Just look at this sign!
Jason: Okay, well there’s some balloons over there, so maybe it’s her birthday?
Matt: Ah, but there are also chocolates, so maybe it’s our anniversary, or the anniversary of our first kiss, our first date, the first time we ate refried beans as a couple, the woman celebrates everything!
Jason: Okay well, let’s just calm down, we got a box of chocolates here, some party poppers, a Christmas tree, and… a piñata? She’s good.
Matt: Right? I need to think.
Jason: Well, I think we can rule out Christmas.
Matt: We rule out nothing!
Jason: But it’s the middle of the year?!
Matt: Nothing, Jason! The only safe we to do this is to remember what she wants to celebrate.

Mallory: Hello, honey.
Matt: Hello… sweetheart.
Mallory: I’ve been waiting for you.
Matt: Yes.
Mallory: I see you’ve brought Jason over.
Matt: Did I? Hello.
Mallory: Do you think it’s appropriate to have guests...
Matt: I could have him leave…?
Mallory: Or is he the first of many guests to be arriving this evening?
Jason: I’m going to leave you now. I’m not even gonna make up an excuse why. I’m just really scared. Good luck.

Mallory: So, dear, what’s the plan for this evening?
Matt: Dinner.
Mallory: Ooh, should we go out or stay in?
Matt: In.
Mallory: What are we having? Home cooked meal by candlelight, a pizza or this cake? “Happy Day”.
Matt: On second thought, let’s go out.
Mallory: Would you prefer McDonald's or that new French restaurant?
Matt: Olive Garden.
Mallory: Hm, a place that can pass for both fancy and casual, well played. Will anyone be meeting us there?
Matt: I thought just the two of us would be nice.
Mallory: Will there be a gift exchange or will just one of us be giving a gift to the other?
Matt: I only desire the gift of your company, my love, but if you feel otherwise...
Mallory: No, no, that’s very sweet and very ambiguous.
Matt: Should we be going then?
Mallory: Just one more question, darling. What are we celebrating?
Matt: You don’t know?
Mallory: I didn’t say I didn’t know, I asked if you knew.
Matt: Alright, fine. You want to hear me say it? I have no idea what is special about today. It’s not our anniversary, it’s nobody’s birthday, half-birthday or quinceañera, neither of us got an award, or a promotion, or adopted a whale today, you’re not pregnant... You’re not pregnant, are you?
Mallory: No.
Matt: You’re not pregnant! And I would go so far as to say that there is not a holiday in the world that’s observed on this day. The closest celebration I can think of is next week when we’ll celebrate the anniversary of when we first got cable, which is actually one that I really support. So tell me, what am I missing?
Mallory: Nothing.
Matt: What now?
Mallory: It was a test. By remembering that there was nothing to remember today, you unintentionally proved that you remember everything that is actually important. I’m so proud of you, honey. We’ll have to celebrate this next year.

Season 1 Episode 2
~ What the France?! (transcript) ~
~ Shakespearean Therapy (transcript) ~
~ Celebirthsary (transcript) ~
~ P90X (transcript) ~
~ Facebook Philanthropist (transcript) ~
~ The Oregon Trail (transcript) ~
~ Shoulder Angel (transcript) ~