Awkward Eulogy

Awkward Eulogy

"You never know what's going to happen when Jeremy gives a funeral speech."

"We all have our quirks, but what if yours were read at your funeral? Watch as Jeremy delivers a eulogy that no one will forget."


Jason: We will now hear a few words from Mr. Warner.
Jeremy: Thanks.

Jeremy: Hello. Today, we're gathered to celebrate the life of David. David was a kind man, a great man, a tin man. When David was young, he always would lose one sock. I never knew why he did his own laundry, perhaps his mother didn't love him quite as much as she should have. Regardless of the reason, that elusive sock could never come back to him. I think that in life, things can come at us like a missing sock. We can look and search all over the place, but we can never quite find it.

Jeremy: When David and I were younger, we would make gingerbread houses. We'd make such a big mess, that his mom would come down and say: "Clean up this mess right now!" and David would just look at her and say "Mom, calm down, I'm twelve. I've got a lot of learning to do, and I'm not gonna learn if you don't let me make mistakes."

Jeremy: We made a lot of mistakes on our gingerbread people. Sometimes we gave them too many eyes, or not enough buttons. In that sense, I think those gingerbread people were more like us. You and I. Imperfect, but cut from the same cloth. A gingerbread cloth. Made from flour. Whole wheat. Gluten-free. Honey grain sometimes. It doesn't matter. What matters, is that we travel through life together. Through the ups and downs. We go down chutes and ladders. We go down the chute. Weeeee!

Jeremy: But what is waiting for us at the end of that "Weeeee"? Some say it's half fox, some say it's half demon. Some say it's a 70/30 mix. Whatever the percentage is, it's not pretty. And it loves gingerbread. Tasty, tasty gingerbread. And I'm sure that David Clark was a tasty, tasty gingerbread man.

Jason: This is a Bar Mitzvah.
Jeremy: Shabbat shalom David Rosenthal, today is your Bar Mitzvah. And you are a man.


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Season 1 Episode 3
~ Two Truths and a Lie (transcript) ~
~ ECON 101 (transcript) ~
~ Awkward Eulogy (transcript) ~
~ Lord Voldemort Goes On Blind Date (transcript) ~
~ Zombie BBQ (transcript) ~
~ Evil Memory Lapse (transcript) ~